My Greatest Inside Jokes
They say the best things in life are free. SO HAND OVER THE 3DS."
"You are going down Random Road again."
Murder is prison, prison is free food, and free food is happiness! Murder is happiness!"
"I will kill you, bring you back to life, and kill you again for making me go through the hasle of bringing you back to life."
"If I get ahold of that baseball card...."
"Tanner, you're salivating."
"Stop making out with the pillow!"
"And leave it with it's 6 children?"
"You are one sick 9 year old."
*me standing*
*girl walks over*
Girl: "Look! Mistletoe!"
Me: "Gah, thanks for warning."
A GUIDE TO LIFE:
Over the years, I have gained a lot of wisdom. I collected as much as I could and put it here. –Griffin Cain
1. Don’t eat rocks.
2. Poison is NOT the new breathmint.
3. Hot dogs and real dogs do not taste the same.
4. Frozen metal poles are not popscicles. Do not lick.
5. Computers are not dark mirrors. Press the “on” button.
6. If you meet the president, the best gift is not a firearm whipped out of your pocket.
7. Wash behind your ears, not your eyes.
8. The stuff on the bottom of your shoe if not for human consumption.
9. The blue deodorizers in the urinals are not candy.
10. Fingers don’t plug into the wall; plugs do.
11. The oven is for baking, not tanning.
12. Oil is not a chocolate milskshake.
13. Neither is manure.
14. You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends. But you cannot pick your friend’s noses.
15. The bottle says “Ink”, not “Drink”.
16. You cannot get duct tape from a waterfowl.
17. You don’t need to put mousetraps around your computer plugins.
18. You cannot fly by wearing a cape.
19. If you are wanted, and there is a reward, do not turn yourself in for the reward.
20. That isn’t a lemon snowcone heaven. It’s yellow snow.
21. Porcupines are not toilet paper.
22. Neither is sandpaper.
23. Don’t walk into a bar. You’ll be the butt of jokes in no time.
24. A rapper does not take care of your leftovers for you.
25. Do not slide down staircases with poles at the end. Especially if you are male.
26. You are in a morgue. That dark red liquid is not cherry soda.
27. The sewer is not freshwater.
28. If you see a crazy guy yelling “THIS CITY IS MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!” don’t ask to be his friend.
29. Don’t say “hi” to the skeleton in the cloak and the “sharp shiny stick.”
30. The black tape around live wires is not wrapping paper. Leave it on.
31. Wild warthogs are not pigs, and do NOT appreciate trying to be made into bacon.
32. Pebbles are not vitamins.
33. You cannot get the Nobel Peace Prize by assassinating a world leader.
34. Read the signs that say “WARNING”. They are useful.
35. Just because the water is sparking does not mean it is safe.
36. Don’t shave with a lawn mower.
37. When you iron your clothes, take them off first.
38. Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
39. And they don’t make good house fans,either.
40. If you want to take a bath, the washing machine isn’t a good idea.
41. Don’t escape into jail.
42. Don’t brush your teeth with a sanding wheel.
43. Uranium is not something you play with.
44. Walking barefoot through sand feels good. Walking barefoot through a cactus patch doesn’t.
45. Watermelon seeds won’t grow inside you.
46. Lava is hot. Don’t touch.
47. Don’t sit on a smoking gun.
48. The expression “Live life in the fast lane” does not apply to the road.
49. When someone says “break a leg”, it’s sarcasm.
50. If you need to get downstairs quickly, use the stairs, not the windows.
51. Cow patties are not hamburgers.
52. Cow chips aren’t chips, either.
53. When sticking thumbtacks into bulletins, press the flat end in.
54. When you die, you don’t come back with 2 lives left.
55. Gasoline and smoking do not mix.
56. World domination is not ruling over your inflatable globe.
57. Don’t take naps in the road.
58. A bear does….you know…in the woods….
59. Sticky notes do not hold things together.
60. Cats do not have nine lives. Do not test that theory, either.
61. When the school bell rings, it is not a terrorist attack.
62. When using a one person bathroom, make sure it is unoccupied.
63. Razor blades are not for combing your hair.
64. Toasters are used to cook bread, not your hands.
65. Stabbing people in the chest kills them, Carl.
66. If you eat the bartender, you most likely will not get your drink.
67. Batteries are not water bottles for whatever liquid is inside.
68. When a sign says “Keep Left”, it does not mean run around in circles.
69. Salt is not good mascara.
70. Your computer virus won’t make you sick.
71. And, that soap is for your hands, not your computer microchips.
72. Wear clothes.
73. Unbuckle your seatbelt before you get out of the car.
74. When a bottle says “shake well before opening”, it means shake the bottle, not your body.
75. When a computer screen says “press here”, click the button, don’t touch the screen hard.
76. Flower and flour are not the same thing.
77. The pointy end of the fork goes into the food.
78. 5*pi does not equal cherry.
79. A retail store does not sell tails to animals without them.
80. BB guns are not used to shoot beehives.
81. A laptop is not the top of your legs cut off.
82. You don’t solve a Rubik’s Cube by peeling the stickers off and putting them somewhere else.
83. If you break a window, don’t pick up the glass with your hands.
84. Don’t chew gum from under tables, even though they are free.
85. When they say, “Kids, don’t try this at home,” they mean adults too.
86. Don’t heat your frozen lighter fluid over a match or a stove.
87. The toilets are there for a reason.
88. When using a flamethrower, don’t feel with your hands to see if it’s hot.
89. Watch where you plant a flag. Don’t stab your foot to the ground.
90. When they say “look both ways before crossing a road”, don’t wait until you are in the middle of a road.
91. Insert the gas pump into the car, not your mouth.
92. If you have a dagger in one hand, and blood in the other, you may want to run from the police.
93. The plates are not Frisbees.
94. Don’t close a pocket knife by pressing on the blade.
95. If you fart, don’t say “It was me.”
96. Just because you like spiders doesn’t mean you have to eat your spouse, children, and siblings.
97. The local waste treatment plant is not a free swimming pool.
98. Don’t march through the streets waving a Nazi flag or yelling “I LOVE COMMUNISM.”
99. Don’t jump into a volcano.
100. When people say “Don’t try this at home,” they don’t mean “Try this at your neighbor’s house, instead.”
101. Don’t eat “do not eat” packets of whatever.
102. Don’t hide in the oven while playing hide and seek.
103. The Tooth Fairy doesn’t visit adults.
104. Don’t throw a brick as high as you can to see how far it can go.
105. Press the “eject” button before taking the DVD out.
106. Your body has as many holes as it needs. Don’t add anymore.
107. Don’t pick your nose with a knife, no matter how polite it may seem.
108. If you see something brown on the ground, it’s probably not chocolate.
109. Glue is not white ketchup.
110. Don’t stargaze during a storm and use metal poles as pointers.
111. Don’t aim those epic green laser pointers at planes.
112. Don’t rick roll the FBI.
113. When your clock alarm goes off, it’s not a time bomb. Calm down.
114. Don’t use your tongue to hold flypaper in place.
115. When using a weedwacker, hold the handle, not the wire.
116. When they say “Stop, Drop, and Roll,” it is meant for when YOU are on fire. Don’t do it if you are trying to put a regular campfire out.
117. Don’t try to balance your car over a cliff.
118. If you are in a Philly alley, don’t jingle money in your pocket.
119. Don’t give a Christmas present to someone if they just gave it to you.
120. The cookies and milk aren’t bait for Santa; put down the gun.
121. Medicine isn’t candy.
122. Don’t try to get through security waving a knife around.
123. Hitchhiking on a nuke is a bad idea.
124. LED does not stand for “Let’s Eat Dat.”
125. Cows eat grass, doesn’t mean you should.
126. Don’t sell multiple kidneys.
127. Same with any other organ.
128. Don’t hitchhike on a passing train. Not at the station.
129. Don’t go swimming in a well.
130. When you see a hitchhiker with an axe, don’t pick him up.
131. Especially if he has a chainsaw.
132. Or is near a prison.
133. If you burn a flag, don’t run in the streets.
134. Don’t rob a police station.
135. If the phone rings while you are ironing, make sure you hold the phone and not the iron to your ear.
136. Matches are not mini-lollipops.
137. Diving boards are only usable when there is water underneath you.
138. Cherry bombs aren’t fruit. Nor any type of food.
139. If you jump off a cliff and survive, don’t do it again to test your invincibility.
140. Don’t go to a children’s mall at Christmastime and ask for fried reindeer.
141. Don’t dive into a frozen pool.
142. If a psychopath is chasing you, don’t hug him and hope he changes his mind.
143. If you want to lick the excess material off a blender, make sure the blades have stopped spinning first.
144. Gun beats spear.
145. Finger food does not mean to go cannibal.
146. If someone has human heads on a pole, get away pronto.
147. Don’t bomb your neighbor’s house.
148. Especially if you live in an apartment.
149. Don’t lick the spoon during Chemistry lessons.
150. Cement mixers do not make giant smoothies.
151. Woodchippers will chip other things besides wood, so don’t stick your hand in there.
152. A tiger is a cat, but don’t cuddle it.
153. Though deodorant and shampoo smell good, don’t eat them.
154. Nail guns hurt more than BBs
155. Don’t pick that flower; it’s a biohazard warning sign.
156. Fire isn’t tasty.
157. The morgue isn’t a buffet.
158. I don’t care how well you hack; the FBI site is off-limits.
159. Don’t chew on glow sticks.
160. While bowling, let go after you swing your arm forward, not before.
161. Spanish instructions on the manual are not any different. Don’t waste time trying to read them.
162. When there is a “do not swim here” sign, they mean “don’t swim in the ocean” not “don’t swim in the sign”.
163. You cannot time travel by changing your clock date.
164. Don’t eat porcupines.
165. Though a body is 80% water, don’t drink people.
166. Don’t brush your teeth with a comb.
167. Shovels are for dirt, not stone.
168. It’s the five second rule, not sixty—PUT THAT MARSHMALLOW DOWN.
169. Lights don’t grow on Christmas trees. You put them there.
170. Take the foil off the food first.
171. Don’t eat your iPod because it is an Apple.
172. Don’t hug creepers.
173. Don’t eat your computers because they have chips.
174. Just because it’s black and white doesn’t mean it’s an oreo. DON’T TOUCH THAT ZEBRA.
175. Don’t eat green eggs and ham.
"You are going down Random Road again."
Murder is prison, prison is free food, and free food is happiness! Murder is happiness!"
"I will kill you, bring you back to life, and kill you again for making me go through the hasle of bringing you back to life."
"If I get ahold of that baseball card...."
"Tanner, you're salivating."
"Stop making out with the pillow!"
"And leave it with it's 6 children?"
"You are one sick 9 year old."
*me standing*
*girl walks over*
Girl: "Look! Mistletoe!"
Me: "Gah, thanks for warning."
A GUIDE TO LIFE:
Over the years, I have gained a lot of wisdom. I collected as much as I could and put it here. –Griffin Cain
1. Don’t eat rocks.
2. Poison is NOT the new breathmint.
3. Hot dogs and real dogs do not taste the same.
4. Frozen metal poles are not popscicles. Do not lick.
5. Computers are not dark mirrors. Press the “on” button.
6. If you meet the president, the best gift is not a firearm whipped out of your pocket.
7. Wash behind your ears, not your eyes.
8. The stuff on the bottom of your shoe if not for human consumption.
9. The blue deodorizers in the urinals are not candy.
10. Fingers don’t plug into the wall; plugs do.
11. The oven is for baking, not tanning.
12. Oil is not a chocolate milskshake.
13. Neither is manure.
14. You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends. But you cannot pick your friend’s noses.
15. The bottle says “Ink”, not “Drink”.
16. You cannot get duct tape from a waterfowl.
17. You don’t need to put mousetraps around your computer plugins.
18. You cannot fly by wearing a cape.
19. If you are wanted, and there is a reward, do not turn yourself in for the reward.
20. That isn’t a lemon snowcone heaven. It’s yellow snow.
21. Porcupines are not toilet paper.
22. Neither is sandpaper.
23. Don’t walk into a bar. You’ll be the butt of jokes in no time.
24. A rapper does not take care of your leftovers for you.
25. Do not slide down staircases with poles at the end. Especially if you are male.
26. You are in a morgue. That dark red liquid is not cherry soda.
27. The sewer is not freshwater.
28. If you see a crazy guy yelling “THIS CITY IS MINE!!! ALL MINE!!!” don’t ask to be his friend.
29. Don’t say “hi” to the skeleton in the cloak and the “sharp shiny stick.”
30. The black tape around live wires is not wrapping paper. Leave it on.
31. Wild warthogs are not pigs, and do NOT appreciate trying to be made into bacon.
32. Pebbles are not vitamins.
33. You cannot get the Nobel Peace Prize by assassinating a world leader.
34. Read the signs that say “WARNING”. They are useful.
35. Just because the water is sparking does not mean it is safe.
36. Don’t shave with a lawn mower.
37. When you iron your clothes, take them off first.
38. Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
39. And they don’t make good house fans,either.
40. If you want to take a bath, the washing machine isn’t a good idea.
41. Don’t escape into jail.
42. Don’t brush your teeth with a sanding wheel.
43. Uranium is not something you play with.
44. Walking barefoot through sand feels good. Walking barefoot through a cactus patch doesn’t.
45. Watermelon seeds won’t grow inside you.
46. Lava is hot. Don’t touch.
47. Don’t sit on a smoking gun.
48. The expression “Live life in the fast lane” does not apply to the road.
49. When someone says “break a leg”, it’s sarcasm.
50. If you need to get downstairs quickly, use the stairs, not the windows.
51. Cow patties are not hamburgers.
52. Cow chips aren’t chips, either.
53. When sticking thumbtacks into bulletins, press the flat end in.
54. When you die, you don’t come back with 2 lives left.
55. Gasoline and smoking do not mix.
56. World domination is not ruling over your inflatable globe.
57. Don’t take naps in the road.
58. A bear does….you know…in the woods….
59. Sticky notes do not hold things together.
60. Cats do not have nine lives. Do not test that theory, either.
61. When the school bell rings, it is not a terrorist attack.
62. When using a one person bathroom, make sure it is unoccupied.
63. Razor blades are not for combing your hair.
64. Toasters are used to cook bread, not your hands.
65. Stabbing people in the chest kills them, Carl.
66. If you eat the bartender, you most likely will not get your drink.
67. Batteries are not water bottles for whatever liquid is inside.
68. When a sign says “Keep Left”, it does not mean run around in circles.
69. Salt is not good mascara.
70. Your computer virus won’t make you sick.
71. And, that soap is for your hands, not your computer microchips.
72. Wear clothes.
73. Unbuckle your seatbelt before you get out of the car.
74. When a bottle says “shake well before opening”, it means shake the bottle, not your body.
75. When a computer screen says “press here”, click the button, don’t touch the screen hard.
76. Flower and flour are not the same thing.
77. The pointy end of the fork goes into the food.
78. 5*pi does not equal cherry.
79. A retail store does not sell tails to animals without them.
80. BB guns are not used to shoot beehives.
81. A laptop is not the top of your legs cut off.
82. You don’t solve a Rubik’s Cube by peeling the stickers off and putting them somewhere else.
83. If you break a window, don’t pick up the glass with your hands.
84. Don’t chew gum from under tables, even though they are free.
85. When they say, “Kids, don’t try this at home,” they mean adults too.
86. Don’t heat your frozen lighter fluid over a match or a stove.
87. The toilets are there for a reason.
88. When using a flamethrower, don’t feel with your hands to see if it’s hot.
89. Watch where you plant a flag. Don’t stab your foot to the ground.
90. When they say “look both ways before crossing a road”, don’t wait until you are in the middle of a road.
91. Insert the gas pump into the car, not your mouth.
92. If you have a dagger in one hand, and blood in the other, you may want to run from the police.
93. The plates are not Frisbees.
94. Don’t close a pocket knife by pressing on the blade.
95. If you fart, don’t say “It was me.”
96. Just because you like spiders doesn’t mean you have to eat your spouse, children, and siblings.
97. The local waste treatment plant is not a free swimming pool.
98. Don’t march through the streets waving a Nazi flag or yelling “I LOVE COMMUNISM.”
99. Don’t jump into a volcano.
100. When people say “Don’t try this at home,” they don’t mean “Try this at your neighbor’s house, instead.”
101. Don’t eat “do not eat” packets of whatever.
102. Don’t hide in the oven while playing hide and seek.
103. The Tooth Fairy doesn’t visit adults.
104. Don’t throw a brick as high as you can to see how far it can go.
105. Press the “eject” button before taking the DVD out.
106. Your body has as many holes as it needs. Don’t add anymore.
107. Don’t pick your nose with a knife, no matter how polite it may seem.
108. If you see something brown on the ground, it’s probably not chocolate.
109. Glue is not white ketchup.
110. Don’t stargaze during a storm and use metal poles as pointers.
111. Don’t aim those epic green laser pointers at planes.
112. Don’t rick roll the FBI.
113. When your clock alarm goes off, it’s not a time bomb. Calm down.
114. Don’t use your tongue to hold flypaper in place.
115. When using a weedwacker, hold the handle, not the wire.
116. When they say “Stop, Drop, and Roll,” it is meant for when YOU are on fire. Don’t do it if you are trying to put a regular campfire out.
117. Don’t try to balance your car over a cliff.
118. If you are in a Philly alley, don’t jingle money in your pocket.
119. Don’t give a Christmas present to someone if they just gave it to you.
120. The cookies and milk aren’t bait for Santa; put down the gun.
121. Medicine isn’t candy.
122. Don’t try to get through security waving a knife around.
123. Hitchhiking on a nuke is a bad idea.
124. LED does not stand for “Let’s Eat Dat.”
125. Cows eat grass, doesn’t mean you should.
126. Don’t sell multiple kidneys.
127. Same with any other organ.
128. Don’t hitchhike on a passing train. Not at the station.
129. Don’t go swimming in a well.
130. When you see a hitchhiker with an axe, don’t pick him up.
131. Especially if he has a chainsaw.
132. Or is near a prison.
133. If you burn a flag, don’t run in the streets.
134. Don’t rob a police station.
135. If the phone rings while you are ironing, make sure you hold the phone and not the iron to your ear.
136. Matches are not mini-lollipops.
137. Diving boards are only usable when there is water underneath you.
138. Cherry bombs aren’t fruit. Nor any type of food.
139. If you jump off a cliff and survive, don’t do it again to test your invincibility.
140. Don’t go to a children’s mall at Christmastime and ask for fried reindeer.
141. Don’t dive into a frozen pool.
142. If a psychopath is chasing you, don’t hug him and hope he changes his mind.
143. If you want to lick the excess material off a blender, make sure the blades have stopped spinning first.
144. Gun beats spear.
145. Finger food does not mean to go cannibal.
146. If someone has human heads on a pole, get away pronto.
147. Don’t bomb your neighbor’s house.
148. Especially if you live in an apartment.
149. Don’t lick the spoon during Chemistry lessons.
150. Cement mixers do not make giant smoothies.
151. Woodchippers will chip other things besides wood, so don’t stick your hand in there.
152. A tiger is a cat, but don’t cuddle it.
153. Though deodorant and shampoo smell good, don’t eat them.
154. Nail guns hurt more than BBs
155. Don’t pick that flower; it’s a biohazard warning sign.
156. Fire isn’t tasty.
157. The morgue isn’t a buffet.
158. I don’t care how well you hack; the FBI site is off-limits.
159. Don’t chew on glow sticks.
160. While bowling, let go after you swing your arm forward, not before.
161. Spanish instructions on the manual are not any different. Don’t waste time trying to read them.
162. When there is a “do not swim here” sign, they mean “don’t swim in the ocean” not “don’t swim in the sign”.
163. You cannot time travel by changing your clock date.
164. Don’t eat porcupines.
165. Though a body is 80% water, don’t drink people.
166. Don’t brush your teeth with a comb.
167. Shovels are for dirt, not stone.
168. It’s the five second rule, not sixty—PUT THAT MARSHMALLOW DOWN.
169. Lights don’t grow on Christmas trees. You put them there.
170. Take the foil off the food first.
171. Don’t eat your iPod because it is an Apple.
172. Don’t hug creepers.
173. Don’t eat your computers because they have chips.
174. Just because it’s black and white doesn’t mean it’s an oreo. DON’T TOUCH THAT ZEBRA.
175. Don’t eat green eggs and ham.